Woah — that was fast

I had an incredible experience yesterday. Too bad for you the set up is going to take a while. I urge you to stick with it.

Okay, so the day before yesterday I happened on a website of a local professional theatre company. There is an actress in this company who is getting to play not one, but TWO major leading lady roles this summer in their reportory series. She is lovely. Like Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn lovely. Regal. Classically beautiful. Wonderful actress. I would love to be her. But I am not her. So, I just sat with this large stone of resentment growing in my solar plexus. I resented her beauty, her success, her ability – just the whole package of bitter, gnarled resentment.

Fast Forward to the next morning. I got up late — as usual. Because of this I wasn’t going to do the meditation that I’d promised myself I would do — as usual. I beat myself up about this — as usual. And then for some reason, I just decided, ah screw it with the ‘as usual.’ I’m going to sit my ass down and do some meditation. I pulled out Goddess Leonie’s chakra alignment guided meditation which I purchased last week. And I did the whole 32 minutes — even though my sons interrupted me at the second chakra so I’m not sure my poor second chakra got the full attention it warranted.

Anyway. When I was done I felt all buzzy. Like a real meditation high.

And that concept of resentment started coming up again and again for me.

I then remembered a moment back when I was I don’t know maybe grade 2? My sister and I were walking home from school and a couple of big kids asked us what we were going to be for Halloween. Now in my memory (which may be flawed) we were going to be flowers. But as the John Lithgow song goes “Big kids scare the heck out of me.” Plus I saw our costume from their eyes and decided they would think it was stupid. So I kept walking in stony, I’M IGNORING YOU silence. When they asked a second time, my brave little sister piped up and told them. And, surprisingly, instead of being mean about it, they said “Hey, that’s great. Boy, the little one is nice, but I don’t know about her sister.” And they were right. I was like a jaguar hiding in the leaves and darkness of the jungle, just watching with slit-eyes and a twitching tail for trouble. I was ready to pounce.

I’ve spent a lot of my time, effort and energy being a suspicious jaguar. It’s a protection for sure. But it’s also stopped me from doing what I wanted, because I was sure some big kid would mock me for wanting to dress up as a flower.

So, while I showered after the meditation, I talked to the big kids. I explained what my fear was. I also talked to the jaguar and let her know that she could probably ease up on the pouncing.

And then it was time to tackle the resentment of the day before instead of the stuff of a hundred years ago. I used an alignment technique that I learned from Havi Brooks. You write the name of the person you have a problem with on a piece of paper. You find at least 10 ways in which you are alike. Then you burn the paper. As I was in the shower I couldn’t do the paper thing. But I acknowledged her (the actress). I found ten ways in which we were alike (we both…have fabulous hair, are short, have worked with the same man, have worked for the same company, love theatre, live in the same city, are about the same age, played queens, have a particular love of the classics, work in the arts). And then I just told how much I admire her and acknowledged my desire to in some part be living her life.

Fast Forward to exactly ONE HOUR LATER and I get a phone call as I’m trying to run out the door. It’s a director from a local theatre company (an amateur one though, don’t get too excited) that I auditioned for LAST YEAR and did not get so much as a call back from, who is essentially offering me a lead role in her upcoming production.

Now, as it turns out, I have a scheduling conflict so I can’t do it. But what’s important here is the offer. Because it seems to me that working on my patterns at one end of the chain, unravelled a bunch of knotted stuff somewhere else down (up?) the chain.

PLUS — Remember how I said this was a person that I had auditioned for last year? Well that wasn’t just your ordinary run of the mill — oh well, I didn’t get a call back audition. This was my rock bottom. Because I felt at the time OH MY GOD!!! The day I cannot get a callback from THIS theatre company, is the day I need to hand in my acting license. Clearly I suck.

I was so despondent about it, my husband wouldn’t let me just sit there and cry. He kept after me saying there must be someone whom I can ask for help – someone who can give me some information. And I resisted. Oh, how I resisted. But finally like the Law and Order episode where the key clue is always preceded by the witness saying “Well, it probably means nothing but…” I said “Well I could ask Joe. But he’s so busy he probably won’t have time” “He probably thinks I suck as an actor and it’s been so long since we worked together ….” You get the idea. But in terror I sent the email. And then another. And then I had lunch with him. And then he agreed to help me. And then I got a host company on board. And then we got another guy to help. And now they’re both so excited about it, I’m just sitting back in giddy amazement. 

The long and short of it is that since that audition I’ve put together the course that I kept saying ‘someone’ should offer. And this summer (God willing, if all the remaining annoying pieces will just for the love of monkeys come together) I am not going to work with the amatuer theatre company that I thought was all I deserved but the pros  who are in my estimation some of the best — people that I longed to work with but didn’t think I deserved. 

So, today I bless that director for not calling me back, because it propelled me on to a way, way, like way to the power of 10, better place than I could conceive was possible to me a year ago.

But it’s still nice to know today, that my lack of a call back last year was for reasons other than being generally sucky. That it was a story that I told myself.

And the capper? Later this afternoon, that actress walked by me on the street. Even gave me a sideways glance like “Where do I know her from?” I mean we travel in much the same circles so I wouldn’t have been surprised to see her at the office. But just on the street? A woman who I actually haven’t clapped eyes on in person for probably a year or more?

Weird.

And fast.

Holy cow, if clearing out that Resentment Shoe Collection has such an immediate effect, I’m totally motivated to align myself with every single shoe in there. I expect to be offered a role co-starring with Meryl Streep before Christmas.

What? It doesn’t work like that? Well, my friend, the shoes beg to differ.